When I first uncovered my desire for a DD life, I thought the words "Are you ready for a spanking?" would be just what I was looking for. The more I hear those words lately, the more they anger me. Not because they are a prelude to a painful encounter or that I feel that a spanking is not deserved, but because these words are not preceded by any explanation as to why a spanking is coming or due. There is no warning. There is no mindset. These words only come out after a week or more of any misbehavior being ignored, of me feeling neglected, of me having my feelings hurt over and over and over again as I believe that this lifestyle (that he claims to want too) is ignored over and over again.
Yes, I want him to be the leader of our home, and yes I want this lifestyle. I truly do and he says that he does too. Where do my feelings and needs fall within his leadership though? Am I supposed to just stand back and be okay with the fact that something is spankable one day, but not the next time? Am I supposed to be okay with me following our agreement to journal my behavior each day and having it ignored? How am I supposed to respond when he thinks that a spanking will fix everything and reset things between us yet there's no discussion involved?
We used to sit down and evaluate each week about how things were going and we would talk about anything we felt needed to be addressed in the coming week. We discussed successes and failures and I really felt like we were connected during those times, but even that has fallen to the wayside.
Several times in the past few months, we have sat down and tried to start over, but that usually lasts 2 days or so and then nothing happens for a week or more. So, I just don't know how I'm supposed to believe that this is a life we are going to have.
Even though we can research and read online and talk to others who live this life and develop a “head knowledge,” can we really make this life works if only one of us is putting their hearts in it? Is head knowledge enough or do we need heart knowledge for it to be a fully effective and fulfilling lifestyle?? Can I or should I just be happy for part-time DD?