After a lot of discussion and prayer, my husband and I adopted a DD lifestyle. We talked about this openly before we were married, and made the decision then. Unlike a lot of the other women I read about, this was more at his urging than mine. I am pretty sure his brother spanks his wife too so I think it was something he was more used to. My dad was very old-fashioned too and I was spanked growing up, well into my teen years so it was not something new to me.
I was always attracted to him because of his dominant personality and I realized that there were definite things in my behavior that would hurt our marriage and that I should work on.
At first, everything worked like I guess I thought it should. It did do everything "as promised," I felt closer to him, and felt that the threat of a spanking... and the reality ... really did help me focus. We also started doing some "play" spanking and I loved that. I felt loved cherished and protected.
But things have really fallen apart for us lately and the reason is me. In a way, spanking worked too well. It's gone from something that brings us together to something that I am really afraid of. So afraid that I will do anything I can to avoid one. Including lying to him about things so I don't get in trouble. I have gotten two speeding tickets in the last six months and have not told him about either. I tell fibs constantly about stuff he's asked me to do and I haven't done.
I know that part of it is that I *think* he spanks very hard. When it's punishment, it's always bare bottom with a wooden paddle. He won't use his hand because he says his hand is for love and affection, not correction. I know this is traditional and I accept that, but the paddle even though it is small, just hurts so much. (I think some of it is that when we were discussing this before we were married, and I agreed to it, I sort of compared it to what I knew from home. My dad spanked, but it was with his hand and always through clothes. It was a few whacks and more symbolic than anything I guess. But bare-bottom hurts so much more that I can't stand it.) I am always sobbing by the time it's over and feel very sick. Yet compared to what some other ladies say they get I don't think it's too much. I never have bruises, just a very sore red bottom for a few hours, which he says is not too much. He says I'm a grown woman and my butt can take a lot and that if he just gave me a few "paddy cakes" I wouldn't learn anything. In a way I think he's right, but I know I don't want it.
We have talked about and prayed about it, and he says it's because I haven't really submitted to his judgment. That he would never really hurt me, but that we decided together before we were married that spanking would be something that was used, and now it's my duty to submit to it. But all I know is that I have come to hate this, yet I want him to be happy and I really do feel that I did agree and promise before God to obey him. He's agreed to consider using other discipline too, like writing lines, but when he assigned something like that to me lately, I felt so resentful, I just hated it. He grounded me recently from the computer, and I couldn't wait to sneak on as soon as he went to work. When he got home I lied about that too.
I think really he's right. I don't want to submit. I know that if we didn't have this relationship, I would NOT feel this resentful towards him. If I could just say ( like some of my friends do) "Hey I got another speeding ticket. Oh well." and that's the end, it would be fine.
I never should have agreed to any arrangement where I was expected to submit, but I do love him and don't want a divorce! Help, what do I do?