« Do We Have to Spank? | Main | Part Time DD? »

February 16, 2008


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I can agree with Annie for sure. Spanking really helps me get some things under control, but there's nothing really big that I get spanked for any more.

But I still need to know that he would if he felt he needed to. We do the "who's who" type spankings, which really help me.

As for you letting him take the lead in this area, I think that's wise, but how can he lead you if he doesn't know all the facts. If he doesn't truly know the whole situation he is dealing with, that's not fair to him. A leader needs all the information, and if that means telling him over a series of days, months or even years, slowly, respectfully, as appropriate, then so be it.

I can say from experience that I have had to do this myself. I don't think it's me taking control when I tell him how I'm feeling. He wants me to do that.

So yes, I would definitely say that you should talk to your husband about your need. It doesn't have to be some big revelation moment where you both cry and then he turns into some big "spanker-man". That's probably not going to happen, so I wouldn't be expecting it if I were you.

Just show him your heart and pray that God will show you how to explain your feelings to him. Lots of prayer can reveal so many secrets, even from our own hearts. This could be a great chance for you to grow as well as develop your relationship.

Hoping for the best for you!


Your question is a good one. I think many couples starting DD do face it. It's also something that comes up when DD has been practiced for a while, and quite frankly has been successful.

My husband and I faced this very question, but in a different way. We initiated DD and it was used to "help" me work on some behaviors that were not positive for me or our marriage. In the first couple of years of DD, I ended up with a sore red butt more times than I could count.

Fast forward a few years. I think in a combination of maturity and the fact that on a couple of issues I had really learned a good solid lesson from spanking, the behaviors that led me to get spanked had mostly been resolved. So where did that leave us?

We both realized that we missed the occasional "real" spanking. But because my husband was not a newbie, because we had practiced "real" DD for years, we could talk about it, and formulate a plan about it.

We initiated what we call "submission" spankings. I think it's pretty much what others called "maintenance." We use this to remind me to be submissive, to pay attention to my behavior, to remind me that he WILL spank if necessary.

For you, since your husband is new to this, it may be a harder concept to explain. Your husband is willing, but he is thinking more in the mode, "Well, if she does something 'wrong,' I can spank her, but I can't spank her for no reason." I think the way to view this is that there IS a reason, not just one as "clear-cut" as bouncing a check or something.

And this is a private personal thing between you and your husband. There's nothing that says that these "submission" or "maintenance" spankings can't be every bit as hard - or harder - than a discipline session. My husband reads me very well. He can tell when I am starting to feel what we call "unsubmissive." Maybe it's just a sassy comment or flippant look, maybe I am just more frazzled than usual. It's NOTHING that anyone would think (even in a DD relationship) that it would be a "spankable offense." And usually, it's something he will ask me if I need, and almost always I agree.

To answer your specific question, I do think you should lead in this. Clearly you both are open to a spanking relationship. Given that, you need to find what works for you. His failure to understand the need for maintenance spanking, which is much more subtle than spanking for overt misbehavior, is very easy to understand. You should discuss it with him.


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