Spanks Too Hard?

Dear Group,

After a lot of discussion and prayer, my husband and I adopted a DD lifestyle.  We talked about this openly before we were married, and made the decision then.  Unlike a lot of the other women I read about, this was more at his urging than mine.  I am pretty sure his brother spanks his wife too so I think it was something he was more used to. My dad was very old-fashioned too and I was spanked growing up, well into my teen years so it was not something new to me.

I was always attracted to him because of his dominant personality and I realized that there were definite things in my behavior that would hurt our marriage and that I should work on. 

At first, everything worked like I guess I thought it should.  It did do everything "as promised,"  I felt closer to him, and felt that the threat of a spanking... and the reality ... really did help me focus.  We also started doing some "play" spanking and I loved that.  I felt loved cherished and protected.

But things have really fallen apart for us lately and the reason is me.  In a way, spanking worked too well.  It's gone from something that brings us together to something that I am really afraid of.  So afraid that I will do anything I can to avoid one.  Including lying to him about things so I don't get in trouble.  I have gotten two speeding tickets in the last six months and have not told him about either.  I tell fibs constantly about stuff he's asked me to do and I haven't done.

I know that part of it is that I *think* he spanks very hard.  When it's punishment, it's always bare bottom with a wooden paddle. He won't use his hand because he says his hand is for love and affection, not correction.  I know this is traditional and I accept that, but the paddle even though it is small, just hurts so much.  (I think some of it is that when we were discussing this before we were married, and I agreed to it, I sort of compared it to what I knew from home.  My dad spanked, but it was with his hand and always through clothes. It was a few whacks and more symbolic than anything I guess.  But bare-bottom hurts so much more that I can't stand it.)  I am always sobbing by the time it's over and feel very sick.  Yet compared to what some other ladies say they get I don't think it's too much.  I never have bruises, just a very sore red bottom for a few hours, which he says is not too much.  He says I'm a grown woman and my butt can take a lot and that if he just gave me a few "paddy cakes" I wouldn't learn anything.  In a way I think he's right, but I know I don't want it.

We have talked about and prayed about it, and he says it's because I haven't really submitted to his judgment.  That he would never really hurt me, but that we decided together before we were married that spanking would be something that was used, and now it's my duty to submit to it.  But all I know is that I have come to hate this, yet I want him to be happy and I really do feel that I did agree and promise before God to obey him.  He's agreed to consider using other discipline too, like writing lines, but when he assigned something like that to me lately, I felt so resentful, I just hated it.   He grounded me recently from the computer, and I couldn't wait to sneak on as soon as he went to work.  When he got home I lied about that too. 

I think really he's right.  I don't want to submit. I know that if we didn't have this relationship, I would NOT feel this resentful towards him.  If I could just say ( like some of my friends do) "Hey I got another speeding ticket.  Oh well."  and that's the end, it would be fine. 

I never should have agreed to any arrangement where I was expected to submit, but I do love him and don't want a divorce!  Help, what do I do?

Comments

[Chula]

I'm really sorry you are in such a difficult situation, but I have to agree with Susan. Dishonesty is not the way to live in a marriage.

I hope you can talk things out with your husband. If I could make one more recommendation, it would be to pray that God changes both your hearts so that you will come together in whatever way He sees fit.

He may change your husband's heart to realize that spankings don't have to be so hard to build the bond that will bring about true change and closeness.

He may change your heart to see your husband's reasons for how he choses to discipline you in love.

Whatever God does, it will be for the best for you and your family. You can trust that for sure. But honesty and prayer are two good first steps on what will probably be a difficult journey. No matter how hard it is, it will be worth it for the sake of your marriage.

Hoping for the best for you!
Chula

[Emma]

Wow. My heart goes out to you, but I don't think your predicament is that uncommon. As Annie pointed out, it is easy to romanticize this lifestyle, but once you get into it and you're over your husband's lap getting your bottom spanked raw the pain can bring misgivings. I think we've all probably been where you are, if to a lesser degree.

Might I suggest that you're narrowing your focus too much? You seem to be just focusing on the spanking, without looking at the big picture of what your husband is trying to do for you through loving discipline. As a godly man, he has seen you err and loves you enough to correct you for that error. It's not easy for a man to see his wife kicking and crying in distress, knowing he is the cause of her pain. And yet he is doing that because he loves you. Afterwards, you are unlikely to repeat the offense, and doesn't that reticence make you a better person?
Imagine if your husband were different. Imagine if he didn't care that you drove speeding down the highway, even though he knew you might end up dead. Imagine if he allowed you to continue down the path of defiance and finally let you know how he felt when he served you divorce papers.

But he's not like that. He's a spanking husband who believes that short-term pain leads to long-term gain.

Please keep praying about this; you're already on the right track if you are taking this problem to God.
And you must confess your deceit and beg your husband's - and God's - forgiveness. They are both more understanding that you give them credit for.
The only thing I would add is that if you continue to remain opposed to the spankings and the resentment you feel becomes toxic, you may possibly want to both re-evaluate this lifestyle. Domestic discipline can only really work if both partners are on board with it. If one feels like an abuser or an abuse victim then sadly enough not only is the lifestyle at risk, but the marriage if it continues.
I urge you to do either of these only as a last resort. At one time you were attracted to this lifestyle for very good reason. Pray that you are able to recapture that heart's desire for the kind of guidance many women only dream of.

[Susan]

Hi there.
Spankings HURT, especially punishment spankings. There is a huge difference in an indulgent parent who is trying to get your attention, and a husband who expects you obey and follow rules you agreed to. That said, it sounds to me like you haven't been married long, or at least, you haven't been practicing DD very long. One of the stages nearly all of us go through is the 'testing' phase. It isn't easy to submit, and sometimes we push those boundaries to see if our S/O will enforce the rules. One thing I am wondering is if he is creating the right mindset before he spanks... One thing that my husband and I discovered is that a lighter but longer spanking works much better to take my mind where it needs to be to accept the punishment. If he spanks too hard right in the beginning, I go straight into 'fight or flight' mode, and the spanking is more harmful than helpful to our relationship. If this is the case, you might ask him if he would be willing to try spanking lighter, but longer... Same result, but with positive results... and loving discipline.

Lying/fibbing... NOT acceptable in any marriage, and especially not in a DD marriage. DD is based on love, trust, respect, commitment, and HONESTY. When you hide misbehaviors from your husband you run the risk of destroying trust between you. He is going to be very disappointed when he learns the truth, and the truth always outs eventually.

Submission is not always easy. It is something you have to work at, starting in small ways... and teaching yourself the joy of giving your submission. It takes a very strong woman to be submissive and obedient when it comes to the 'big' things... and it is very hard to be submissive when told you have earned a punishment. The reward of true submission is such a sense of freedom... You will know the feeling once you experience it for yourself.

Right now you are faced with a serious decision. If you love your husband and want your marriage to work, you are going to have to sit down with him and have one very serious discussion and tell him how you are struggling and ask him to help you learn to submit. You are going to have to confess about the speeding tickets and any other things you've fibbed about and hidden from him. If you cannot live with DD as part of your marriage, then you are going to have to tell your husband and see if you can work through this.

I wish you well...

Susan

[Annie]

You're sure in a tough situation. I also think you hit the nail on the head towards the end of your letter. Your problem is not that he spanks too hard but that you don't want to submit. Period.

I have a friend who has a situation like yours, though nothing to do with spanking. She married a farmer. He tried to warn her before they were married that there's not much romantic about being on a farm, but she wouldn't listen. Now, after five years, she's sick of the animals, and the isolation, and no money, and the fact that he expects her to garden, and, to be honest, they are probably going to get divorced.

It sounds to me like the "idea" of a dominant spanking husband turned you on. You agreed --- like my friend. She pictured walking through a romantic wheat field with a baby on her hip, or something like that --- NOT sick cows, frozen water troughs,a sick mother in law, and her husband telling her he needs her there and she can't get an outside job. You pictured a strong dominant sexy guy who would take you in hand and give you a few sexy swats. But now it's real. You have a guy who really EXPECTS you to obey him and will really spank you when you don't. And not just a few taps!

My friend gave her husband an ultimatum. She said she wanted to sell the farm and move. He said no. Her situation is not going to have a happy ending.

I know you are probably hoping the other people here will give you "three easy steps" to fixing this, but I suspect you already know the answer. Just like my friend and her farmer husband, you two want very different things. Maybe through prayer you can bring your heart around, but you sound very "hard" towards him. You say he's agreed to try other punishments and even that makes you resentful. You don't want to be a submissive wife, and that's all there is to it.

Unless he agrees to really change, I don't know what will happen here. Sorry...

Annie