When I first uncovered my desire for a DD life, I thought the words "Are you ready for a spanking?" would be just what I was looking for. The more I hear those words lately, the more they anger me. Not because they are a prelude to a painful encounter or that I feel that a spanking is not deserved, but because these words are not preceded by any explanation as to why a spanking is coming or due. There is no warning. There is no mindset. These words only come out after a week or more of any misbehavior being ignored, of me feeling neglected, of me having my feelings hurt over and over and over again as I believe that this lifestyle (that he claims to want too) is ignored over and over again.
Yes, I want him to be the leader of our home, and yes I want this lifestyle. I truly do and he says that he does too. Where do my feelings and needs fall within his leadership though? Am I supposed to just stand back and be okay with the fact that something is spankable one day, but not the next time? Am I supposed to be okay with me following our agreement to journal my behavior each day and having it ignored? How am I supposed to respond when he thinks that a spanking will fix everything and reset things between us yet there's no discussion involved?
We used to sit down and evaluate each week about how things were going and we would talk about anything we felt needed to be addressed in the coming week. We discussed successes and failures and I really felt like we were connected during those times, but even that has fallen to the wayside.
Several times in the past few months, we have sat down and tried to start over, but that usually lasts 2 days or so and then nothing happens for a week or more. So, I just don't know how I'm supposed to believe that this is a life we are going to have.
Even though we can research and read online and talk to others who live this life and develop a “head knowledge,” can we really make this life works if only one of us is putting their hearts in it? Is head knowledge enough or do we need heart knowledge for it to be a fully effective and fulfilling lifestyle?? Can I or should I just be happy for part-time DD?
April
Thank you Chula :).
We are still working through this. If there is anything I've learned in this DD journey is that it is definitely a constant work in progress.
Posted by: April | March 03, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Sounds like discouraging times, April. I really feel for you. I don't want this to sound trite or insincere, but I do want to encourage you. I want you to know you are not alone in these feelings.
I don't know how many times I've felt the same thing myself. It's so hard to be moving toward such closeness, knowing that DD is the tool that God is using, then to see it all slip away.
I wonder sometimes if EJ just doesn't value our relationship as much as I do. Doesn't he see the benefits? Doesn't he want to be close to me? I could go on all day.
The bottom line is, I have to deal with these feelings each time as a new and different dilemma. God has something new to say to me each time and it is a growing experience. Sometimes, God wants me to count my blessings and remember that He gives me what I need. He wants me to depend on Him and grow in patience.
And sometimes, He wants me to remember that EJ is a man and thinks differently from me. He values the relationship just as much, but how he shows that value is just different.
What's frustrating to me may be God's way of teaching me. It's no fun, just like a serious spanking, but it's the best way for growth.
Yes, I also know there are bad things that happen and sometimes we suffer as a result of sin not our own. Still, God can take anything and make it turn out for good.
I know you are looking at this as a growing opportunity. I'm praying for you, that God will strengthen you and let you see the good that will come out of this.
As for your question, yes, I do think that sometimes all we have is "part-time" and if that's what we have, that's what we accept. In our hearts, it's full-time. Full-time submission and full-time obedience are a matter of my heart, not EJ's consistency.
This is, to me, one of the big proofs that DD is not just about spanking. I carry on in my heart, even when EJ is dealing with his own things and can't deal much with me. It's a matter of the heart and that's what God is concerned with first, anyway, I think.
Hang in there. May God send his peace and understanding to you and Hunter to draw you together through these tough times.
Chula
Posted by: Chula | February 26, 2008 at 05:57 AM